a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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