ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize