He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
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