so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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