well I can't set my house on fire every night
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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