my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
