I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
me + whiskey = a bad person
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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