Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
