Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
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