I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
