I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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