Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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