i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
