Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
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