Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
