WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
you would pick up someone in the library
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
