I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
25 People Confess What They’re Shamefully Attracted To
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
These 23 People Share the Worst Advice They’ve Been Given
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.