I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
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hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
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When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance