I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
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It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
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I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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