The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
