I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
