The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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