**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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