I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Randomize
