At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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