There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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