Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
