I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Randomize
