New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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