got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
