Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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