But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
