Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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