why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
