dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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