Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
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you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
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Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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