I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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