she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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