Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
