No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
