I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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