Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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