They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
