I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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