if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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