Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
