I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
