I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
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