My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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