Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
