Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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