The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
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