At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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