i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
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