What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Randomize
