we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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