so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
