someone get that fucking seahorse.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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